in Jokes. I still have most of it. - Anonymous "Those who love deeply never grow old; they may die of old age, but they die young." I've never played the bagpipes but I have carried a screaming three-year-old toddler over my shoulder. Bob Hope, You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. Fortunately, there are countless comedians who've given the world classic one-liners about aging, thereby helping take the sting out of all the challenges growing old entails. "I have never felt better," said the old man, "I have taken an 20 year old bride, and … Agatha Christie, Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read. "What's the secret to longevity?" We usually get jokes on blondes... on sex.. or other 'jazzier' subjects! Joan Rivers this collection of the funniest old people jokes is some guaranteed knee-slapping fun! SHARES. Susan Hazelton from Sunny Florida on July 29, 2018: I enjoyed your funny side of aging jokes. share. Contact Us | As she put her foot into the tub, she paused. George Burns, Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age -- as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Old Folks Jokes - Christian Jokes. George Burns, There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward. Best Old Age Joke Some 15 year old girlfriends decided to meet for dinner. See TOP 10 age one liners. All sorted from the best by our visitors. ... You Know You're Getting Old When... "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative. 82.74 % / 11254 votes. Dr. "Or maybe it was twice." Allow for room to grow. You know what the young chicken said the … “Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.”. Tap here to turn on desktop notifications to get the news sent straight to you. See more ideas about bones funny, senior humor, humor. "Keep breathing.". 15 jokes about getting old to give you a giggle. 54.6k Views. And at 6:30 a.m. sharp, I have a great bowel movement. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. Three sisters ages 96, 94 and 92 all lived in the same house. - John Barrymore Talk about getting old. ), but now it’s time to find a gift and write a birthday card (oh dear!). See more ideas about bones funny, funny quotes, humor. ©2021 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. For example, "I had amnesia once". One liner tags: age, family, food, rude, sarcastic. While for some old age is synonymous with dread and foreboding, for some it is merely a number. It is nice to laugh about getting old. 3 Elderly Sisters. Jerry Seinfeld, The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. Jun 3, 2020 - Explore STACY SUE's board "GETTING OLD!! Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. Woody Allen. The latter choose to look at old age as just another phase. - Ashley Montagu "A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams." The old folks home was very secure. Rarely on old people - who could also add some happy and interesting moments to our life! It was invented by a Frenchman. Erma Bombeck, I'm so old they've canceled my blood type. It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. Phyllis Diller We all need more funny getting older jokes. I tell them, a paternity suit. The old man sighs and replies, "Well yes, actually, I have. Enjoy a wide variety of funny Christian jokes, good clean jokes, and family safe jokes and religious humor. I know that getting old is a serious matter, but we have gathered together a whole gaggle of "you know you're getting old when...." jokes, comments & great one liners overheard in bars, on the streets, television & over the internet. #25 **Three elderly sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, shared a house together. When you get old, your secrets are safe with your friends. If you’re able to see the funny side of … P.G. 3. It is called the guillotine. “You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred.”. "You dern fool," said the 94-year-old. "I'll come up and see." You Know You're Getting Old When... and more Jokes about Birthdays on JokesAbout.net, one of the largest joke sites on the Internet. They'll never share them because they can't remember them. 0. I'm done with wild oats. Collected from numerous websites. You may be old, but I don't carrot all! Aging certainly has a lot of drawbacks, and that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. Joan Rivers, True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. Billy Crystal, How young can you die of old age? Every morning, at 6 a.m. sharp, I have a good long pee. Quite a few of them have some hilarious things to say about getting old and old age. You can't be young forever, but immaturity can last a life time. Purchase Agreement | The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes." Your comment made me laugh. George Burns, I don't want to achieve immortality through my work...I want to achieve it through not dying. read on.. and send us yours! I told him, '"At my age, I don't even buy green bananas." Hmm, what does THAT mean? Old folks have lived a long life. "My knees, my elbows, my neck … There is only one cure for gray hair. The largest collection of age one-line jokes in the world. After all, "I've paid my dues!" The 85-year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. It sounds like your family knows how to laugh about getting older. ", Sign up for membership to become a founding member and help shape HuffPost's next chapter. Even if you’re not on board with the notion that getting old is awesome, you’ll laugh out loud at these super funny old person jokes. Then she yelled down to the other two sisters and asked, "Was I getting in the tub or out?" One evening, the 96-year-old sister went upstairs to take a bath. Bob and Rose are getting on in years, and their memories aren't what they used to be. Comments. Waist becomes broader and mind becomes narrow. 1. They deserve sitting back, letting other people do the work and hearing some good old fashioned funny jokes to make them smile. The old baker understands aging, she's an old tarte! Will Rogers, I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do. They discussed where to eat and finally agreed on McDonald's next to the Sea Side Restaurant because they only had $6.50 between them and Bobby Bruce, the cute boy in science class, lived on that street. 4. When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. It's a good thing my older brother told me about it. "Simple," I said. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. Part of MultiCultural/HPMG News. Will Rogers, The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. You know you are old when you’ve been diagnosed with CRS: Can’t remember shit. I need all the preservatives I can get. Bob Hope, People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. Erma Bombeck, Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. When you become old, your toys would become antiques. Woody Allen. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. "Everything's starting to click for me!" Rita Rudner, We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. It's like, "See if you can blow this out." "Life is like a roll of toilet paper. Then the 90-year-old said, "That's not my problem. Site Map | Jerry M. Wright, People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my 87th birthday. Erma Bombeck, Looking 50 is great if you're 60. BuzzFeed News Reporter. 25 Jokes About Getting Old That Are Terrifyingly Accurate "I'm older than I should be" by Sally Tamarkin. And then there's, "I used to be indecisive, not I'm not sure." 15 jokes about getting old to give you a giggle. Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. Funny Quotes about Getting Old that'll Make You Laugh. Make fun of those grey hairs with these old people jokes and jokes for seniors. Only old people watch the Grammy Awards. Check out our birthday jokes to put a smile on the birthday host, and make yourself laugh. Terms of Use | The older she gets the more interested he is in her. Bob Hope, He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front. Boy she sure has a sense of humor for an "older lady". We made it easy for you to exercise your right to vote. Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient. You know you are old when you speed because you don’t want to forget where you’re going. Kitty O’Neill Collins. Today is National Voter Registration Day! he asked. Wodehouse, My grandmother was a very tough woman. We’ve picked the choicest sayings about old age here. Clean Christian jokes, funny jokes, free jokes, and clean jokes and humor about old people, memory, false teeth, Grandpa and Grandma and more. One liner tags: age, life, sarcastic, time 74.83 % / 92 votes. 2. He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured get back $1,000." Author Unknown, An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. I was just wondering if you were my son." I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade. Kurt Vonnegut More Old Age Jokes When you get old, your secrets are safe with your friends. © 1996-2005 by JokesClean.com All Rights Reserved. Getting older can sometimes mean finding more funny things in life. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade. John Mortimer, You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. Read up on our old age jokes and “getting old” jokes to live forever. I knew I was getting bald because it was taking longer and longer to wash my face. Black holes are where God divided by zero. PAINTDRIPS: I used the picture of the tree rings as metaphor for getting older, but I never thought of it the way your family does. One day an 75 year old man arrived for his monthly check up and smiled when the doctor asked about his health. You know you're getting old when you look in the mirror to shave and realize that the face you're looking at is your father's. You might have done all in your young age, but you forget it when you grow old. Claude Pepper, You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. At my age, I don't want to eat health food. One night the 96 year … Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. said my father-in-law at dinner. George Burns, I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. Getting older is a fact of life, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. 1. Share Tweet. "One thing you could try", the doc says, "is to write down the things you need to remember. Amuse your friends, tease your grand-kids, and drive your spouse crazy. Rita Rudner, At my age, flowers scare me. Make getting older amusing with funny birthday puns and jokes! George Carlin, By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. Rodney Dangerfield, A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. These good old people jokes are perfect for the entire family, especially grandma and grandpa. Andy Rooney, When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of algebra. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. Now I'm into prunes and All Bran. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end. Send Feedback At my age, I don't want to eat health food. The paper sent a reporter to interview me on my 90th birthday. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. So far, this is the oldest I've been. Funny Quotes About Getting Older. Novelist/Screenwriter Co-author of "Blue Streak. You know when you're getting older by remembering the past embarrassment of not zipping up your fly but now hoping you remember when to unzip. Humor and Funny Clean Jokes Gallery Woody Allen. You can't be young forever, but immaturity can last a life time. Do you like quick one-liners and jokes about aging and getting older? Following is our collection of funniest Old People jokes.There are some old people ancient jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. Each door was guarded by a century. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. "I've raised my kids." Phyllis Diller Sep 13, 2018 - Explore Deborah K's board "Getting old", followed by 333 people on Pinterest. Just don’t get them laughing too hard…it might cause them to laugh so hard they forget to take their back pill. I don't plan to grow old gracefully. Privacy & Security | - Dorothy Canfield Fisher "The idea is to die young as late as possible." ", followed by 8377 people on Pinterest. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and I still have problems." Twitter: @aparnapkin. 2. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. George Burns, Talk about getting old. Woody Allen, Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning. Woody Allen, I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. Aging and getting older should be fun! They'll never share them because they can't remember them. Joan Rivers. They make a visit to the doctor, who does a thorough check-up, before telling them that there's nothing to worry about, and that this is just a symptom of getting older. "I want to have fun." It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. He went to Dr. Geezer's clinic and this is what happened. You’ve been invited to a birthday (woohoo! The rules are the same. You know you are old when you stop searching for the meaning of life to focus on searching for your car keys. I’m getting so old that my friends in heaven will think I didn’t make it. Life is like a roll of toilet paper. I need all the preservatives I can get. I knew the romance was gone when I drank champagne out of the old girl's slipper and choked on a Dr. Scholl's insert. https://www.cybersalt.org/clean-jokes/you-know-youre-getting-old-when I used to hate weddings, all the old ladies would prod me and say 'you'll be next !' Steven Wright, As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I am. Getting old doesn’t have to be sad.
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